OtherBella
by stilljustceci
Summary: Not long ago, in a slapstick galaxy far away, the Mary Sue luck of the Bella we know and love is karmic-ly balanced out by a Bella far less fortunate. Rated M for language and ridiculously adult situations. And yes, I make up words sometimes.
1. Chapter 1

DISCLAIMER: The lines in italics are SM's, from Breaking Dawn.

_There was no sound. No breathing. Not even mine. For a moment, the absence of pain was all I could comprehend. And then I opened my eyes and gazed above me in wonder._

I could see the wood grain of the ceiling, the dust motes in the air, and the colors of the rainbow coming from the light bulb above me.

I could smell the chemicals they cleaned the room with after my alien baby explosion, and the silk Alice was wearing for the auspicious occasion, and... Edward. Honey-lilac-sunshine Edward. How does a vampire smell like sunshine? I thought. That's pretty stupid. And holy shit, if I can smell everything, they can smell everything, and I know I farted around Edward at some point in time. In Biology for sure, cuz those cheap, grade C meat school lunches used to go right through me. Salisbury steak! I mean FUUUCK how embarrassing is that? Why didn't that asshole tell me??

And then Edward squeezed my hand with his hand that wasn't cold anymore and my body responded in way to that shocked us both. Okay, shock is probably a strong word for it.

C'mon now, we were all expecting this, right?

I hissed as I flipped off my back like a drunk Jackie Chan, spinning in the air: with my forehead I took out the light bulb whose filaments had been innocently shooting rainbows at me, my right ankle clipped the operating table and sent the screeching, twisting wreckage of it flying through the pretty dust motes and on toward Edward and ricocheting off of him with a deafening CLANG. My right elbow was the first thing to hit the glass back wall of the house. I catalogued the size and shape of every shard of it as I fell so that I could clean it all up for Esme afterward, of course.

A half second later, I had leaped back up to balance on the edge of that wrecked second floor room and stood up nice and straight, smoothed my hair, and faced my new family with their various looks of disgust and amusement.

"Yeah, sorry about that. I'll fix that, I swear."


	2. Chapter 2

Once Alice had swapped out my broken Blahniks with a scolding about how fragile the heels were, she and Edward tried to convince me it was time to hunt. I wanted to see my baby, mostly because I didn't believe their reassurances of her beauty. I mean, what if she looked like my Aunt Louise? That unfortunate woman, bless her heart, looked like Charlie on a hungover day before he'd had a chance to shave. I really had to see for myself or I'd go insane with the anxiety.

Edward cut in smoothly, with a long-suffering expression. "You have to hunt before you meet her, Bella. Her scent…"

And though the thought of his super secret fartsniffing power again made me want to clock him, I suddenly noticed that I could in fact distinguish a wet, juicy, thumping coming from downstairs that made my mouth water: an all too human heartbeat. Esme was in front of me in one sixteenth of a second with an embroidered hanky for the drool.

"Alright, you're right. We can hunt first," I grumbled.

The family smiled as one, and I looked to Edward for guidance… and noticed he was giving me that dazzling, crooked smile of his. The one that had always made my heart skip and my blood rush. Robbed of living heart and blood on which to work its dastardly magic, it instead settled for shocking my newly supercharged limbs and libido into betrayal.

Before I even knew what was happening, I had launched myself at him – "OH, EDWARD!"-- and my teeth and fingernails screeched against his perfect skin as we slid across the glass-littered floor, crashed into a previously unscathed wall and dropped to the lawn again in a shower of sheetrock.

Edward's shrieks of "Bella, that's attached!" and Emmett's and Jasper's roaring laughter from above brought to my senses. Sheepishly, I got to my feet , smoothed my hair, offered Edward a hand up, and offered him his pants back. Well, most of them.

"Yeah, sorry about that."


	3. Chapter 3

Edward gave me the Vampire Senses in Forestry 101 rundown as we ran. I had wondered in the past how Edward could go so _fast_ without hitting trees, but I understood now. I could see every detail of every tiny leaf on every insignificant shrub as I raced along, and also learned that it was best to keep my hyperobservant new eyes to the task of observing things in _front_ of me. I only uprooted two youngish Sitka spruces before I learned to focus and was soon flying through the dark forest with Edward beside me. It was perfect. It was absolute joy. I had never experienced anything so powerful and free. My hair was streaming, the torn edges of my dress flapping raggedly—Oops. Okay, three trees. Focus.

With gentle guidance, Edward helped me pinpoint the location of a small herd of elk lapping at a stream nearby. They smelled good but unappetizing, like crayons or dirt. Still, I could hear the thick, heavy sound of their hearts, enormous hearts pushing hot, thick blood. And I did want it. Using scent and sound, I chose a target and tensed to take down my prey.

Just then, the wind shifted and brought on a new scent, a completely different and unimaginably more appetizing scent. From mud pies to moon pies, from forest rain to Fuddrucker's. I was halfway to its source before I even realized what I was doing.

I broke into a clearing with the scent so powerful in my raging throat that nothing could have stopped me… except the sight of Mr. Banner, my biology teacher, decked out in full square dance regalia – the woman's costume, complete with floofed out twirly skirt and rickracked sequined shirt – on all fours on a Twister mat laid out over the grass, wearing a bright blue studded leather collar. At the end of the leash, smacking him with a riding crop and calling, "Right hand red and do-si-doe," was Leah Clearwater. I stopped so fast I snapped the heel off of my right Blahnik again.

I did the only possible thing. I screamed.

Leah and Mr. Banner looked up and saw me. They screamed more loudly and somehow, in a higher register.

Edward arrived and did not scream. Leave it to a 100 yr old to be okay with square dance Twister S&M. Like he'd seen it before or something. "Will you please excuse us?" he said, his voice all velvet and reason.

"Uh, yeah, sorry about that!" I called over my shoulder as he whisked me away.


	4. Chapter 4

"Leah Clearwater. Who'da thunk?"

Edward muttered, "Don't want to know, don't want to know," over and over, and urged me into the trees for faster travel. I was like a flying squirrel in silk and three quarters of a pair of Manolo Blahniks.

When we had almost reached the highway, we allowed ourselves to be distracted finally by the scent of a mountain lion nearby. It was not nearly as mouthwatering as—ew. Well, _that_ solved a big problem for me. Thirst or no thirst, the scent of human blood was definitely ruined for me. Branded in my brain with Mr. Banner's leather collar and pink cowgirl boots. Just, ew.

The lion was in the trees, crouched in preparation to take its prey that snuffled in the bushes below. I glanced at Edward and he smiled at me, nodding encouragement.

I was on it before it even knew I was there, smacking into it and effortlessly pushing its enormous weight through the air, tumbling to the ground, barely feeling its panicked, frenzied teeth and claws caressing my skin, and I sank my teeth into the locus of the heat and smell and throb of its blood, meeting as little resistance as if the skin and fur were mere illusions.

The blood as I drained the lion coursed hot and wet down my burning throat, dampening but not quite quenching the desperate thirst. It was dry before I was ready and I opened my mouth to vent my frustration.

And belched hugely. I had never belched like that when I was human. Ever. No one had, that I'd ever heard. I swear, the vegetation around me flattened as the sonic wave of it ripped through. It had to be a vampire thing. Impossibly fast and strong, skin as cold as ice and pale white. And I burp like a fucking CHAMP.

Edward gurgled in disbelief.

AW SHIT. I forgot Edward was there. Of course, he probably would have heard me even if he'd stayed at home. At least I didn't blush anymore.

"…sorry about that."


	5. Chapter 5

Edward finally managed to pick his jaw up off his chest as the echoes of my preternatural gassiness faded.

I was trying to smooth my mussed hair and clothes again, but realizing that it was beyond such simple repair. Dirt, blood, and leaves were knotted from my ears to nearly my waist, and the satin of Alice's beautiful dress was so shredded it was a wonder it didn't just fall off me.

Edward noticed as well, but his raised eyebrows and slackened jaw told me it wasn't Alice's displeasure he was thinking about. I waited for my usual blushed response, and was instead able this time to take note of the oncoming tidal wave of vampire-libido just before it washed over me. _Fascinating._

I started to wonder if I'd be able to control it in the future but Edward's screams interrupted my train of thought. "Your teeth! Bella, your teeth!" he was crying, his hands and even his feet scrabbling at my torso in an effort to push me away.

I sat up, spit out the remains of his chocolate brown leather belt, and crossed my arms over my chest. "A girl might begin to think you don't appreciate her affection," I said and pushed out my lower lip.

"You… forget your strength, Bella," he said warily. "Just because I heal doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. And that it won't scar."

"I'll try to control myself," I promised. I smiled at him, biting my lip in what I hoped was a flirty way. Success! He grinned and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me close for a kiss. His lips were neither as cold nor as hard as I expected and I was just losing myself in the sweetness of him when I felt a warm, insistent nudging on the backs of my thighs that shoved quite suddenly up between my legs.

"Edward!" I gasped. How forward of him. And how was he in front of me and behind me all at once? Was there more to vampire freakiness than I had hoped?

"Mmm," he responded. Then he shoved up between my legs again from behind and I squeaked in surprise. "Now Edward," I protested, and reached behind me to push away his… whatever he had back there. Hands? No, those were on my waist. And his pants were mostly still in one piece this time so no prehensile super-serpent powers down there. Dammit.

I felt hot, snuffling breath and a slick tongue and whirled around just as an enormous golden retriever bounded up to wrap his front legs around my waist and started humping my legs furiously. "Edwaaaard!" I shrieked. "Make it _stop_!"

The bastard was too busy laughing and I was not only pissed off by that but also still thirsty, so I took matters into my own hands. Or mouth.

Edward was giving me a disgusted look as I swallowed down the last bit and let go of the armful of fur. "Let's go see our daughter," he said, shaking his head. "And don't mention this to Jacob, hm?"

I rolled my eyes.

"And Bella, wipe your mouth. You have a little Fido... right there. You got it."

"Thanks. Sorry about that."


	6. Chapter 6

"Edward, what is she like?" I asked. _Anything but Aunt Louise, anything but Aunt Louise._

"Oh, she's like nothing else on Earth, Bella," he said worshipfully.

That didn't tell me much. Especially since Edward had never met my Aunt Louise. We were only minutes from the house though, and I decided it would be faster and easier to just see for myself. Edward insisted on giving me his shirt to cover the immodest ruins of the blue silk dress Alice had given me. The shirt was missing most of its buttons, thanks to me, but it was still an improvement, so I held it closed with one hand and we ran.

The race ended when I saw Jacob in the glass-littered yard just past the river. Seth-wolf and Leah-wolf were pacing behind him, and he crossed his arms over his chest as Edward and I approached. It was suspiciously as though he were standing guard.

"What's going on?" I asked.

Jacob frowned at me, then belched unspectacularly, then pressed a fist over the button of his jeans. "Do you think she's safe yet?" he directed at Edward.

Edward nodded. "Her self-control is amazing."

I beamed.

Leah-wolf growled furiously, and snapped at the air. I looked from her to Jake, and then to Edward in growing uncertainty.

"Everyone's just a little tired, love. Don't worry about it," Edward said soothingly, and shot a warning glare toward Jacob.

"GRrrr-aaAH little tired?!" shrieked Leah, as she tore around in a small circle, then phased to human in the midst of swirling leaves. "That brat of yours is the spawn of all that is unholy! Do you know how many diapers--"

Jacob silenced her with a roar. Seth was whining desperately, covering his head with both paws as his sister now stood stark naked next to him, literally vibrating with fury. Then she phased again, spun, and disappeared into the forest. Jake turned back toward me and Edward with a sigh, and I noticed that his cheeks were pale and there were smudges of purple exhaustion under his eyes.

"You've been helping take care of her," I said. "Is she really that bad?"

He laughed nervously, then winced, and bowed a bit over that hand on his stomach again.

"Jake, are you sick?"

"No, Bells, I'm fine. You, though. Wow, you're a freak show," he deflected, grinning.

Edward growled but I grinned right back. "Super-creepy?"

"Like a slasher flick. Speaking of which, let's do this thing." He clapped his hands together and stepped toward me. I blinked in confusion, especially when Seth whined and I heard Leah's gnashing and snarling from the forest again. And then the wind shifted, bringing me the scent of Jacob's living blood and the heat pulsing off his soft, smooth, brown skin. He smelled so different than Mr. Banner, so much like--

"C'mon, Bells. Thirsty? Do your worst," he said softly.

--Pepto Bismol? I wrinkled my nose. "What's that smell? Is that Pepto?" I said in surprise. I could hear Emmett's belly laugh inside the house.

Jacob flinched. "You don't wanna… eat me, or anything?" he asked hopefully.

I shook my head, nose still wrinkled. "You kinda stink," I admitted. "Like dog." And I burped again, as if in memory, though not nearly as grandly as I had in the forest. Edward blanched. "And I don't like dog!" I added, too quickly.

"It will be fine," Edward said.

Jake gave Edward a quizzical look. "Are you sure, Bloodsucker?" he asked. He looked so worried. Why was he so worried about the baby?

Edward said firmly, "She needs to see her."

I was looking back toward the house, listening to the voices and movements there, filtering them, because I had managed to pinpoint the small, rushing heartbeat inside.

"Renesmee," I whispered.

Jacob blinked in shock. "What?"

"I TOLD you!" Alice's voice rang out from the house. Edward cringed behind me.

"What?" I echoed, confused. I looked from Jacob to Edward.

"…Ruh-nez-may," Edward murmured uncomfortably. "Of course."

"YOU said it was Ruh-neh-say," Jacob blurted.

"It's better than Rih-nez-nuh," Edward retorted.

"It's Ruh-NAY-NAY!" Emmett bellowed from the house. "She LIKES Ruh-nay-nay!"

I stamped my foot and yelled, "Stop it! Her NAME is RENESMEE!"

And then Renesmee started crying. Screaming, actually. Great, piercing, glass-tremoring wails that made Seth whine and cover his head with his paws again.

"NOW look what you did," Jacob sighed.

"…sorry about that," I muttered. "But it is."


	7. Chapter 7

Jacob gave me a pained look, then sprinted inside where I could hear Rosalie whining, "Someone shut her UP!"

Edward wouldn't meet my eyes. He simply muttered, "Come and see. I know you can handle this."

"You'll help me?"

Leah, dressed now and lingering on the edge of the woods, snorted a laugh and called, "Yeah, he'll HELP. Not."

Edward growled, Leah stiffened, and Seth slunk in between them, swishing his tail. I couldn't make sense of their confrontation but I couldn't concentrate on it, either. I could only think about the blurred baby image in my memory. Also, the shrieking coming from inside was making my nerves unravel until I finally snapped, "Shall we?!"

Edward took my hand tightly in his and led the way into the house.

Inside, I saw a child – my child – on the floor, flailing arms and legs, drumming hands and feet against the polished floorboards, and every vampire in my new family circled around her, out of arms' reach, watching in seemingly exhausted and helpless dismay.

"I was out just two days?" I gasped, disbelieving. "She's so… big."

Renesmee rolled over and darted a hand out to snatch at the edge of a museum quality Oriental rug. One vicious tug punctuated by a shrill howl shifted the whole thing just far enough to displace a row of vases which fell and shattered one by one in a glissando of crystalline rain.

I gaped.

She suddenly stopped screaming and turned to focus her eyes on me. Chocolate brown eyes, aware and intelligent though damn near feral, narrowed at me under a tangled mess of long, bronze curls.

_Oh, thank you GOD, she's not ugly_, was all I could think, despite the fact that her lip was curling up in a snarl over her distractingly perfect little teeth. It was quite a beautiful snarl, but too terrifying to be dazzling.

"R-Renesmee?" I whimpered.

"I LIKE RuhNAYNAY!" she shrieked, and then applied her teeth to the rug. Shreds of centuries old wool flew.

Edward lifted a hand to pinch the bridge of his nose.

Emmett crossed his arms over his chest and said smugly, "I told you."

"Okay, okay!" I conceded in rising panic. I also glanced at Emmett and my gaze froze there. He was covered in more than six feet of yellow fluff and a bright orange beak stuck out over his forehead.

"Emmett, why are you wearing a duck suit?" My voice trembled helplessly. _Do you hallucinate when you're having a panic attack? Maybe I'm having a complete breakdown._

"I'm Chicken Em," he corrected me proudly. "And it's because one, Ruhnaynay likes chickens, and two, ole Jake there kept tearing the costume."

"It's not long enough," protested Jacob weakly. He was hunkered down over the mess of broken crystal, sweeping it up into a dustpan with strange efficiency. I glanced around the room and realized it was very, very bare. In fact, the vases seemed to have been the last breakable within eyeshot.

Renesmee stopped tearing at the remnants of the rug and her whole expression changed. "Chicken Em!" she squealed, and clapped her chubby little hands. Emmett grinned and started flapping his elbows and bobbing his head, dancing a ridiculous circle around her and singing the Chicken Dance song.

Alice burst in from the garage just then, Jasper following just behind her, practically hidden behind an armful of shopping bags.

"Bella!" she cried happily. Then she saw the shredded, soiled blue silk of my dress and the ruined stilettos, and rolled her eyes. "God, Bella, what in the world…"

I tried to distract her from her lecture, and myself from the spectacle of Chicken Em and Renesmee dancing in the middle of the room by smiling uncertainly toward Jasper. "Did you buy something for the baby?"

Jasper snorted and I blinked in question.

"Pretty clothes?" I ventured.

"Oh, heavens, I wish," moaned Alice. "Diapers. Do you have any idea the kind of metabolism your daughter has that she grows so fast? But I got an assortment of brands so we have Clifford, and Elmo, and …oh, I think she needs a new one now." Alice's petite, perfect nose wrinkled.

"And it's your turn. Finally," said Rosalie firmly.

_Oh, that's what that smell is. I thought it was Jacob. _I felt dizzy suddenly and the room tilted, and then Edward was holding me.

"I wouldn't have thought a vampire could faint," mused Carlisle.

"Yeah, sorry about that," I muttered.


End file.
